Thursday, 8 October 2015

Living In A Trance

We live in terror that if we ever show our true self, even to the one who has breathed into our skin and left traces in our bloodstream, we would automatically be deemed unloveable. This quote by Marilyn Monroe is so famous- "...if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Sure we would love to practice it for real. But, in truth we refuse to ask for what we think we deserve because we are so terrified of being left all alone. Most days you pretend you are good with it all, your brain dictates you to be more pragmatic. But, certain days when you are already feeling low, you just turn into mush and slowly dissolve into the nothingness deep inside of your hollow heart. Every bit of defensive behaviour is just a way to protect our hearts from being broken again and again. You say things to break off ties, before they can. Decades long friendships come to end, lovers leave, parents die, cousins get too busy- you stood alone to look at the moon even when they were around anyway. You never saw the same things and felt the same things about them anyway.

Tend your bruises in silence, tend them alone. No one else has a magical salve to soothe your burns. We are not faces, we are not bodies; we are just trembling fingers and toes trying to make sense of everything. We are all living inside our own heads, where we are the perpetual victims. Do we ever come out of that trance?

of fires that burn through you
of deliberately unclean shoes
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Saturday, 3 October 2015

Coming Up Roses

Delhi has derailed me. Even now I find very little time for leisure. There is an overabundance of kulcha, chhole bhature, rajma, chhole and chawal everywhere. But everyday we (me and my other Bong-Delhi mates) try to make something for dinner, something that reeks of our home, even if it is the humble muger daal or dim kosha or mangsher jhol. We save just enough energy every night to taste home, once a day.

I feel extremely bad that I took such a long time to finally make this post. Amydus has been kind enough to be patient with me though. They sent this gorgeous lace peplum top as a preview of their then upcoming collection. I was delighted to see how well it fit me. I was told "wow haven't seen you in things like this before." I somehow never tried out peplum before. And I am kinda saving this one, to debut it during Durga Puja. I am growing restless now, to go back home. But, I don't know how strange it would feel to live at home again, right when I have found a rhythm here. We will see. Till then, read about the amazing size range offered by Amydus *here*. Ciao.

You can get the top here - Black Peplum Top (not an affiliate link)

Black Peplum Top - Amydus
Pink Round Glasses - New Market, Calcutta
Belt, Shoes - B.K. Market, Calcutta
Purple Pants - Stolen from sister

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Tuesday, 1 September 2015

The Concept Of Hierarchies

pretending to be a Lollywood Hippie
pretending to be a Lollywood Hippie

Or as I call it - the battle of the old vs new media platforms.

I am aware of hierarchies. I know they exist in the mind. I also believe they are stupid.

Context - I went for an interview with one of the most hated media houses in Calcutta to please my mother. I was told to let them know, if after the life lesson disguised as an interview, I wanted a different role than the one I had applied for. It astounded me somewhat the arrogance with which he declared this being pretty much the only competent media house in Calcutta, something he rectified soon even though grudgingly. Take your guesses.

We all know about the privilege enjoyed by the old, white, male ones in our society. It is not simply about the colour of ones skin or gender. The old male is generally considered wise. His advice, his decisions are of prime importance. Some people who tend to be working in certain print (news) publishings tend to believe theirs is the most worthy, the only one which matters. To this individual, who is quick to dismiss the "Buzzfeed generation", even blogging seems like a joke. (If it were so, then bloggers would not be getting murdered around the world right now. Just a pointer.). Only certain things - positions, types of work, life choices, etc. are meaningful to them. The attitude is - "I would not have done that."
So, when you encounter such an individual, who is bored out of his wits at an interview session, what should you do?

Well as for me, I listened, albeit skeptically as he gave me life advice to get over my "existential dilemma". He told me if I wanted a career I couldn't expect a cushy life. I have to struggle. I have to make sacrifices. He defended himself by saying he was a good son who visited his old, ailing parents every weekend; the very ones who were supportive of his career ambitions to be chased in a different city. Even a slightly touchy (petty?) comment at the end, "I had my doubts before coming in for this interview," fell on an ear that wasn't really listening. That generation loved telling the young ones how to do things, they never were experts on really listening.

For a while it seemed like pearls of wisdom scattered towards a young newbie in the media industry. And I felt a sense of gratitude towards him at the end of this session. But, as the days rolled past, I couldn't get over the fact that I wasn't really told anything I didn't already know, that I wasn't already mulling over in my head for days. Maybe hearing it from another helped fortify my resolve to stick to Delhi, even though it keeps kicking me in the balls every so often. But, had it been me giving that same advice to someone else, would it still have the same value that it did coming from him? Would he have shared such a private story about his early days, his parents in the very first meeting with a total stranger if he were a she? Would I have been less skeptical about getting lectured if he were a she?

I do not know.

As someone who has been bullshitted by older, 'wiser' men all my life (do I need to add #notallmen here so as to not hurt any egos?), I have a natural tendency to have more faith in the old, 'wise' woman's words. She after all understands the will to fight the traditional, the patriarchal, she understands responsibility in a way a man does not (even now in Indian society). I believe she will wink at me and tell me how to do it like a woman. 'How to conquer the world like a woman' - naani edition. He looked at me like I was a directionless child. But, I am 25; I am a grown woman. Would he have looked down on me the same way if he were a she? And would he have added at the end of his long and elaborate lecture that, "after all women have different pressures from society which I wont (don't) understand," would he...if he were a she?

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